To care so little about daily activity beyond my personal space is such a feeling of freedom.
There was a time that all I cared about was the things of this world. Career, finance, physical beauty, what others thought of me, and how I was perceived and liked by others motivated me to accomplish much of what I have.
The value of a Who I was, was measured by these things only. Since my awakening on the Pyrenees mountain, on the Camino de Santiago, I have gone through such transformation. The opportunities that have developed have changed my perspective and goals altogether. Being seen was the ultimate goal before, and now I only wish to be left alone to contemplate this physical incarnation. Not only to consider it but to know it on another level.
I care more about what the trees think of me than I do what others think of me at this point.
I concern myself with creating a space to please my husband and myself with little care of what happens beyond our private world.
Circumstances have aligned themselves to give room to this new understanding. Covid was the first; it gave me the permission to settle in and settle down, yet I have felt the frustration of forced solitude and quiet, as have so many others. I fluctuated between highs and lows of anger, frustration, failure, and fear.
Towards the end of the year, with financial fears taken care of through grants and loans, we were able to care for our needs like food, clothing, and shelter. Since there was little distraction beyond camping with friends and gardening, my vegetable garden was magnificent last year! Our finances were enough. Once that money ran dry, Joe was finally granted 100% V.A. benefits, something we had been working towards for nearly nine years. With that rating came enough money for me not to have to produce an income for survival.
I have not felt this familiarity since I was 11 years old and got my first paper route to assist in my family’s survival. I’ve never known the joy of working for fun and extra money, you know, like most kids who get jobs to serve themselves, like, buying clothes, junk food, video games, bikes or cars, etc. I worked only to survive.
At this point, did my changed state of mind that came on the side of the mountain manifest this opportunity, or did the opportunity bring about my altered state of mind? Is my newly developed introversion a form of depression, or is it a beautiful transition into a different state of mind?
I’ve been asking myself these questions for several months now. Am I depressed? Have I gotten lazy? Will I end up like my mom and dad and shut myself into my world, seemingly without direction or purpose? Should I be wary of this transformation, or should I celebrate it? Is my sharing this journey with you purpose or habit? An obligation to do something of value outside of my daily activities of which I mainly enjoy alone? How do I answer these questions?
It’s straightforward actually by going inside and really feeling what I feel. I know that my higher self knows more about me than does my cerebral self.
If only we could listen. How do we hear? By being silent. By letting go of the belief that our old way of thinking is the only way to think. To function normally, whatever that means, in this physical world, we have to think and be like everyone else.
What I did was to be silent. To surrender and to be present instead of keeping busy and closing off the voice of my higher self. I allowed the physical world of thinking and doing to take a back seat. I found that by being, doing, and having what I feel in the moment, there was room enough to hear. By being silent, I concluded that I’m not depressed or having some sort of mental breakdown. I am in the right place in time, one that I created and surrendered to.
When I consider the financial failure of 2020 or the success of Joes 100% rating, I consider how if I were thinking in the same old way, I would be experiencing this new perspective on life in a whole different way. I would have worked twice as hard to make money, even if I had to get a JOB, believing it’s my responsibility to contribute equally or even more financially in the marital union. I would have been sleepless and stressed, my mind would have reeled with ideas and effort to make money, and I would have stood in fear of my relationship with my husband because, for the first time, he holds the key to our economic success. I am wholly dependent on him. If he decided to leave me, I would be without income.
But I feel none of those emotions. All I feel is gratitude for this opportunity. I can remember how that guilt and fear would have driven me to feel. However, I cant conjure up these emotions, even if I tried to at this point. I feel no fear, worry, regret, or obligation to my husband, except the desire to serve him in any way I can to ease his workload. I realize I am precisely experiencing what I should be experiencing at this moment in time.
In conclusion, I’m not depressed; I’m gloriously content and looking forward to the next chapter in our life. I am enjoying this current circumstance of being, doing, and having gently. Waking each day knowing I get to choose how my day will unfold, whether it be creating art, cooking, gardening, writing, cleaning, or even napping. I find myself lost in time, reveling in the squirrels bouncing from one branch to another in the backyard or watching my chickens cluck along doing chicken things.
Yesterday I observed a turkey vulture in the trees. This huge, ugly, fantastical raptor lit on the highest branches. I would have missed this spectacle had I not been gazing upon my backyard world and enjoying the moment at just that exact time. In the over 25 years of living in Idaho, I’ve never seen a turkey vulture and would have claimed they were not indigenous to Idaho. I looked it up; they are native. I’ve just never seen one. How could I have missed this massive raptor with its six-foot wingspan, ugly red and featherless head, and hooked beak?
I was in awe of this ugly bird gracing me with its presence. Ha! I just thought I need to check my animal spirit guide book to see what a Vulture represents. Hang on; I will be right back!
The vulture, which represents air, is the Guardian and Purifier that is essential for Re-balance. When in balance, it reveals wisdom and clarifies. When out of balance, life is dramatic and aggressive. How cool is that? I have never, in my over 30 years of reading animal spirit cards, pulled the vulture. That’s why I did not think of or recognize the spirit message as soon as I saw it.
Once again, I’m feeling gratitude for the opportunity to know my wisdom and experience this clarity. It’s almost as if the vulture came into my world to confirm that I am at peace, balanced, and in just the right place. I have surrendered to all that is and not questioning the experience any longer.
2020 brought so much to my awareness. I’m looking forward to today, tomorrow, and the future without fear or expectation—such a sublime state of mind.
Allow, release, accept, surrender my dear fellow travelers of this physical experience. Listen to the messages given to you by your higher self, and trust them. Don’t doubt or deny what you are feeling. You can tell your truth by what you feel deep inside. If you feel anxiety, fear, or doubt deep down, beyond the surface, which is usually the only feeling we actually pay attention to, then continue to be silent, listen for further direction. Your higher self speaks to you all the time and can be trusted… if only we would slow down, be quiet, and listen.
May a turkey vulture cross your path soon.
Blessed be to you on your journey through this great adventure we c